I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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