bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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