Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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