There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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