i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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