i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
