i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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