Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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