I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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