im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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