I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
