I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
