I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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