I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
