The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
