Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
