My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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