Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
