At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
