I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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