First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
