So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
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HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
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ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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