her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
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After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
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I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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