i need an iv and a liver transplant
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
