You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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