I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
