I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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