I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
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You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
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I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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