I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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