I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.