Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?