i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
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he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I booty called her while she was in labor.
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you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.