On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.