Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
