My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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