My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
