I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
