and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
