I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
