Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I cockslap morals
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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