my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
