Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
