If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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