When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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