Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
