i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
