I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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