oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
