how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
