my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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