she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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