every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
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When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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