You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
