You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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