i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
