...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
