well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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