when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
