soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
she peed on how many people?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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