my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You made out with two different species that night
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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