i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
